Have you been watching the media recently? Worried about our nation’s budget emergency? Don’t worry, I’ve solved it.
Apparently paying for other people’s kids is plunging the nation into great financial difficulty. We’re not pulling our weight in the tax stakes.
As Greg Jericho from ABC’s The Drum explains:
For someone on the average wage with two kids, your tax burden is about 40 per cent less than someone without children.
The reason is not because you suddenly pay less tax, it’s because you get much more benefits – “family” benefits.
Apparently if Dad works in an average-type job and Mum stays at home and they pop out a couple of kids they’ll get around $8620 a year from the government. Noice.
To plug this drain on the budget, I’m proposing we scrap family benefits altogether and privatise raising children. Here’s how I envision this working.
The total estimated cost of raising a child in Australia today is $1,000,028.93. Finished counting the zeros? Yes, that’s a cool $1 million private investment in our future economy. For each child.
So let’s take, say, my family as an example. We have two kids, so let’s round it down and call it a $2 million private investment. Only a fool would invest that much money privately and not expect a return. So I’m going to recoup on my investment in the future of the national economy through a Private Progeny Investment Scheme (Private P.I.S.).
How my private investment benefits the nation
Once the boys have finished their 5,000 years of schooling they’ll get a job. This means they’ll pay taxes (creating about 40-odd years of constant revenue for the public coffers), they’ll buy stuff (meaning they’ll stimulate the economy) and if they go into business for themselves they might even employ people (meaning they’ll create jobs and new products, thereby enlarging or at least helping to maintain the economy).
They will also be providing skills which otherwise wouldn’t be available in our economy.
Son #1 is pretty handy with Lego creations, drawing and painting and he does love to boss everyone else around. So I’m thinking project manager, possibly in civil engineering?
Son #2 loves animals, people and cracks a mean joke. So maybe doctor with a great bedside manner? Zoologist? Vet? Perhaps he’ll work in a pet shop.
How the Private Progeny Investment Scheme will work
Ok, so I spend 20-25 years investing in my progeny, teaching them resilience and compassion and manners and all that other good stuff to set them up for a productive and happy life.
Once they’re in the workplace I’ll start collecting my levy.
So when you break your arm from skiing down Hotham on that wonderful trip you can afford because you haven’t had to contribute to raising my children, you’ll have to pay:
- The medical fee to Son #2
- A Private P.I.S. levy to me – in effect, a dividend for the pleasure of benefiting from my substantial private investment.
When you’re driving down a new, beautifully designed cross-city freeway (which was delivered on time and to budget, ha ha) in the stylish new car that you could afford because you didn’t have to fork out thousands each year to support my personal lifestyle choice (to have children) you’ll have to pay:
- The toll for the road
- A Private P.I.S. levy to me, because thanks to my private investment in my children you actually have someone who is capable of designing and building that road.
When you go into hospital to have your first hip replacement, sign up for your Seniors Card or get your aged pension once your superannuation runs out… yes, I think you know where I’m going with this… you’ll have to pay a Private P.I.S. levy to me, because it will be my privately funded progeny who will be paying the taxes to fund all of the above for you.
So yes, I’m all for scrapping all family benefits. It’ll make balancing our household budget for the next 20 years or so pretty tough, but after that, I’m going to take my Private P.I.S. Takings and laugh all the way to my luxury villa in Tuscany.
Please LIKE and SHARE this post to vote for your share in the Private P.I.S. Takings. For the good of the nation’s budget.