I am trying to have it all.
I am utterly, absolutely besotted with our adorable little boy. He loves us desperately and is mad keen for cuddles. The feeling of his skinny little arms around me squeezing me tight makes my heart sing.
I am also trying to maintain my career while trying to be an awesome mum and partner.
Some days I feel like I have it all under control and some days I feel a desperate anxiety that I’m not doing any of it very well.
Mother guilt is the absolute worst. I never really experienced anxiety or guilt before I had my tiny man child but boy has it caught up with me! I still believe that guilt is a needless waste of energy but it turns out that this belief doesn’t make it go away.
I, like many other people, have to work in order to pay for necessities, like mortgage, food and a morning coffee. My partner, the love of my life for over 20 years, works part time and takes the main responsibility for parenting.
He’s a good egg that one, he has never baulked at cleaning, dirty nappies or even my toilet exploding about a month after we started seeing each other. As he helped me mop sewage off the bathroom floor all that time ago, I KNEW he was the one for me. A keeper.
My kid is a Daddy’s boy, as he should be and I’m completely okay with that. Sometimes though, I worry that I miss out on too much. I worry if I’m home too late. I worry if I haven’t fed him enough veggies, I worry that sometimes he only has toast for dinner and I worry when I can’t go to the events at daycare.
Then I think of all of the things that I am here for. Like when he was so proud that he had decorated the kitchen with pink unicorn wrapping paper that he had stuck to the cupboards with glue ?.
Or the ‘porridge’ he made for me today with milk, sultanas, some chicken flavoured crackers and gummy bears ?.
And the never ending requests for Wiggles songs. If I sing Hot Potato one more time, my brain might explode.
That makes me realise that I couldn’t stay home all the time because I would lose my ever loving mind. More power to stay at home parents, I do not know how you do it! Especially you stay at home parents that let your kids do craft with glitter, you guys are saints.
Attempting to put shoes on my 3 year old to get him out of the house drives me insane. Sometimes I don’t bother putting a jumper on him because it’s like trying to stuff sausage meat back into its casing. I feel guilty about the jumper thing along with all the other things.
Almost every night he climbs into our bed. I groan at the lack of sleep I will have for the crazy day of work ahead. I grumble at his sharp elbows and knees as he climbs over me to get in our bed. I get cross at the way he manages to sleep sideways some nights and kick me in the face or get his feet stuck in my bloody undies at 3am.
Then I feel his skinny little arms around me and hear his little sigh of contentment as he wriggles in between us. I breathe his scent deep and the anxiety goes away.
I am here, I am loved, and I am enough.