It was a beautiful day. We’d been to a family barbecue and I’d dropped the boys and Mr D at home for a quiet cup of digestive green tea to help wash down the numerous sausages, delicious chunks of lamb, pasta salad, potato bake, ice cream and orange syrup cake. And to dilute the wine (Mr D, not the boys).
I figured it was as good a time as any to go and buy more food. You know, in case we all starved to death before sundown after our lunch time feast.
Having the luxury of childfree grocery shopping time I decided to brave the wilds of ALDI. Trying to catch groceries off the end of the conveyor belt, hurl them into the trolley, then bag them up myself, all while chasing two excitable little boys, is more than I’m usually willing to handle alone.
Time to myself also meant I could browse those fascinating middle aisles of ALDI that hold everything from coloured leggings to kettles.
I was gently cruising past the frozen veg, indulgently placing a packet of corn cobs (which the kids won’t eat) on top of the crinkle cut extra crunchy chips (of which I’ll be lucky if I manage to snatch even one from the Jaws of Toddler) when I spotted them.
One Direction pillows.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for just $9.95, ALDI has procured for you a cuddle cushion with full colour pictures of your favourite boy band squeeze for you to snuggle up and snooze with.
I immediately thought of the blogging doyenne, Hugzilla, who has written not one, but TWO posts on the topic of said boy band. One entirely dedicated to One Direction and one comparing their charms and pitfalls to her favourite cooking appliance, the Thermomix.
So I took a photo of the cuddly cushions, secretly guffawing at her crazy crush in my mind, and posted the photo to her Facebook wall:
$10 at Aldi. Thought you should know:)
I continued on to the meat section, sniggered my way through dairy and loaded up at the counter after throwing in a few packets of hot cross buns.
Just as I was sailing through the double doors off to the car and considering checking my phone to see if Hugzilla had responded with a trademark witty retort, my hip started to drip…
The drip became a trickle.
I lifted my arm and unleashed a flood from the bottom of my handbag.
My son’s drink bottle had hitched a ride in my handbag and exploded, saturating everything in its way.
Including The Phone That Mocked One Direction.
The offending phone is currently in critical condition, disassembled and in suspended animation inside an airtight bag of rice. It may recover. It may not. (P.S. Thank you to everyone on my Facebook page for your kind words of support).
My question to you – was it an accident… or was it One Direction, punishing my mockery?
BEWARE ALL YE WHO DARE TO MOCK ME… saith One Direction. FOR YE SHALL DROWN IN THE VALLEY OF NOPHONE AND YE SHALL SUFFER FOR ALL OF ETERNITY FROM SEVERE AND ACUTE FOMO (or for at least a week until ye procure for yeself a new phone).
P.S. If you’re the praying kind, please add a word or two for my poor phone tonight. It has all our holiday snaps on it. And I shall take a solemn vow to buy a copy of One Direction’s latest album… just in case.